Everything Has Changed
by taylordswift
Summary: After Clarke and Lexa have a really hot one night stand, they both assume they will never cross paths again. They assume wrong. Modern AU.
1. Chapter 1

Lexa slams the girl against the wall, desperately tugging at her clothes, nearly ripping them off. Her mouth comes to her neck and she kisses it roughly, biting it occasionally, and sucking at her pulse point. The girl lets out a groan, clumsily undoing Lexa's belt. They breathe heavily into each other, and Lexa runs a hand over the other woman's breast as she comes back to meet her eager mouth. They challenge each other, the power of the kiss going back and forth between the two. Slipping in a hand into Lexa's underwear, the girl enjoys that fact that she can make the tall, strong, intimidating Lexa squirm with pleasure.

"Fuck me," Lexa whimpers at her ear, to which the girl gladly obeys. She uses her free hand to tangle her fingers in Lexa's brunette hair and pulls her towards her mouth again, as she spins her around so that now it is her who's pushed against the wall. She runs a finger over Lexa's clit, while returning the neck bites, enjoying how the brunette tries (unsuccessfully) to cut off her moans. "Fuck… me," she repeats. The girl slides her finger towards Lexa's entrance as she presses her thumb against her clit. Lexa's hips thrust onto the girl's finger, achingly, desperately, so she puts in another. And then another. Lexa clings to her, moaning for release, aching to unwind. The girl can tell how close she is by the way her insides clutch at her fingers, and the way Lexa's eyes roll back, and the way her body begins to tremble. "I'm … gonna…" Lexa pants, still thrusting impatiently on the woman's hand until she reaches that amazing wave of pleasure that floods through her as she gasps.

After Lexa's finished, she guides the other girl to the wall across from them, desperate to be in control again. As she caresses her thigh and moves up her skirt, she smiles at how wet she is. "You seem pretty excited," she whispers into her mouth as her finger pulls her underwear to the side. The girl moans at her fingertips, pushing her hips towards her hand, demanding more.

"Do you want to be fucked?" Lexa's voice is low and husky and makes the girl's head spin. "Do you want me to fuck you?" The girl groans, nodding her head. "Say it."

"Fuck me," she begs, squirming, grinding on Lexa's hand. Lexa complies and thrusts her fingers into the girl, while coming pressing her tongue on her nipple, swirling and sucking and biting. The girl lets out a fragile whimper as she comes close. Once undone, they both stay close to each other for a moment, panting onto the other's skin.

As they get dressed, they make no eye contact, entirely uninterested in each other now (or at least pretending to be.) As the blonde is about to leave however, Lexa finds herself asking her a question. "What's your name?"

"Clarke," she replies, a quizzical look on her face.

"Clarke," Lexa nods, trying out how the word feels on her tongue. She likes it. "I'm Lexa."

"Nice to meet you, Lexa," the blonde smiles, before rushing out, leaving the brunette still trying to catch her breath in the middle of a public restroom.

"Nice to meet you, too," she sighs, not completely satisfied with knowing that they will never cross paths again.

* * *

"Hey, Lex," Lincoln greets her best friend with a smile, coming in for a hug, before stepping inside her apartment. "How've you been?"

"Can't complain," Lexa smiles, still feeling Clarke's hand on her skin, trying not to shiver at the thought.

"Better, I presume?" He asks, clearly referring to her not-so-recent break-up with Costia.

"Much," Lexa assures him. "In fact, I met someone today."

"Do tell," he urges as he plops himself down on her couch.

"Well, I mean, I guess not really _met_…I actually only asked for her name until after we…" Lexa freezes.

"Whoa, whoa!" Lincoln laughs. "You mean you had sex with a stranger?"

"Listen, I'm a grown woman and my sex life is none of your business," Lexa snaps, but blushes completely. It's not like her to do this sort of thing. "But, uh, yes… I may have just had random sex with a stranger." Lincoln's eyes light up in amusement, his mouth not even attempting to hide the ridiculous grin across his face. "Shut up."

"All right, all right," he laughs. "Listen, I just came by to give you your plane ticket for the wedding. I can't be missing my best man… lady? Whatever." He takes out an envelope from his jacket pocket and hands it over to her.

"Hawaii," Lexa scoffs. "Octavia's not letting you cheap out on this, huh?"

"She's worth it," Lincoln smiles, and for a moment Lexa envies him.

* * *

Clarke's neck hurts from the plane ride and even though it's only 2 in the afternoon as she stumbles tiredly through the hotel hallway, she just wants to sleep. _Fuck time zones_, she thinks to herself, sliding the card key into the door and opening it. She's surprised to find a suitcase already there, opened and sprawled on the bed.

"Hello?" she calls out, looking around suspiciously as she steps in. She hears a faucet stop and a tall brunette come out. "Holy fucking shit," Clarke spits out, incredibly confused and embarrassed and lost at the sight of Lexa standing before her with a toothbrush in her open mouth.

"Cl –" Lexa begins but is interrupted.

"No fucking way," Clarke turns around to leave, shaking her head in disbelief. "This cannot be happening." She leaves the room, leaving Lexa unsure of what to do, still clutching to her toothbrush, as she tries to push down the excitement that is flooded through her.

A few moments later Clarke is back, pouting, arms crossed against her chest, and Lexa tries not to smile at how cute she looks.

"Okay, so apparently, they're out of rooms, so we're either going to have to be stuck here together, or one of us can go find another hotel room," she explains, clearly wanting Lexa to be the one to leave.

"You go do that, then," Lexa smirks.

"Me?" Clarke scoffs.

"I _was_ here first, you know," Lexa reminds her, tilting her head, amused at how frustrated Clarke looks.

"Why are you even here?" she demands. "Are you _stalking_ me?"

"No!" Lexa defends herself. "I'm here for my best friend's wedding."

"_I'_m here for my best friend's wedding," Clarke argues. "Wait…is your best friend…"

"Lincoln," Lexa replies before she can finish her question. "I'm guessing yours is Octavia?"

"Fuck," Clarke whispers, before sitting down on the bed to compose herself. "Fuck," she repeats. "What are the fucking odds?" Lexa wonders if Clarke always curses this much. "Well, I mean, I'm the maid of honor, so… I still think you should lea –"

"No way!" Lexa interrupts. "I'm the best man…lady….best lady?" Lexa regrets never clearing up the terminology with Lincoln. "I'm staying."

"Fine," Clarke says glaring at her. "But I get the bed." Lexa glares back. "Okay, we can take turns?" Lexa still looks unsatisfied. "We can… share it?"

"We're not animals, Clarke," Lexa says softly, making Clarke shiver internally at the carefulness with which she spoke her name. "We can share a bed without turning it into something else."

"Yeah," Clarke finally agrees with something Lexa has to say. "I guess you're right." Lexa nods. "A shared bed. No funny business."

"I give you my word," Lexa promises.

"Good," Clarke says, nodding her head, half-hoping they both aren't too serious about their promise.


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa lies in bed, unable to sleep. _Time zones_, she complains to herself, sighing and sitting up. Next to her Clarke shifts, rolling over and facing her bed partner. The peaceful look on her face almost makes up for how difficult she'd been with Lexa only a few hours earlier, when she was arguing with her about what time they would set the alarm clock. Lexa finds herself staring at the blonde, analyzing her delicate features, remembering how they had first met.

_ They were in a bar called The Ark. A gay bar. Clarke had seen her from across the room, eyes so dangerously intense; so demanding. Lexa had been pulled in immediately, aching with a need to touch this woman's face – to feel the softness of her skin against hers. In between glances and suggestive smirks, they had agreed to fuck. And Lexa had felt her skin and it was explosive and beautiful and reckless. _

Now she sits next to her, so close again, but thousands of miles away from the little restroom in The Ark – thousands of miles away from ever touching her again. Clarke's eyes flutter awake, and Lexa turns her gaze away and towards the alarm clock, which reads 3:03 in bright red lights.

Clarke opens her eyes to find a dark figure sitting next to her, the red light of the alarm clock lighting up Lexa's face. Biting her bottom lip, Clarke snuggles into her pillow, but keeps her eyes on the brunette. Her hair cascading down her back, her green eyes focused, her tongue running quickly (nervously) across her bottom lip – she is so beautiful. So well put together; both delicate and rough. Clarke thinks back to when she first saw her.

_The night had been long and dull, so when Lexa walked in, sparking up every nerve in Clarke's body, she knew she had to have her. She had to feel her and take her and taste her and fuck her. Her breath caught in her chest and she could hear her heart in her ears every time the brunette glanced her way from across the room. When they were finally skin on skin, Clarke thought she might go up in flames – and she did, over and over. _

"Can't sleep either?" Clarke asks, bringing Lexa's attention back to her. She shakes her head. "Time zones," the blonde sighs, sitting up next to her.

"Yeah," Lexa smiles slightly.

"Might as well do something, if we're up," Clarke suggests, turning red when she realizes what the offer sounds like. Lexa swallows hard, wondering if she should decline or pounce her. "Like," Clarke adds quickly, "watch TV."

"Oh," Lexa exclaims. "Yeah, sure." She reaches over to the desk next to the bed and grabs the remote control, only to hand it over to Clarke, who turns on the TV and switches through endless channels of infomercials and old show reruns.

"You like Friends?" Clarke asks.

"Yeah."

They watch in silence for a while until Phoebe starts singing along to Ross's bagpipes, which causes them both to burst into laughter. They relax, then, enjoying the sound of each other's happiness and wondering why that is.

"You know, I actually told Octavia I'd play bagpipes at her wedding," Clarke confesses, laughing.

"No way," Lexa laughs, enjoying this playful side of Clarke. "Do you play?"

"Like shit," Clarke giggles and Lexa does too, both of them finding humor in nothing in the way one does after midnight.

"Oh, god," Lexa exclaims, holding her aching abdomen, her laugh finally settling down.

"You have a beautiful laugh." The words slip out of Clarke's mouth and she regrets them immediately because she sees the spark in Lexa's eyes and she wonders if they're in hers too.

"Thanks," Lexa replies. "You have a beautiful…" the word _everything_ hangs in the air for a while, but, much to Clarke's disappointment, Lexa refuses to make it real. "…laugh as well." Clarke nods, politely, before turning back to watch another episode of Friends.

They laugh together again several more times, but neither compliments the other again, though the words do linger on their lips. The clock now reads 5:57 and Clarke groans, rolling over into her pillow. Lexa turns off the TV and steps off the bed and into the bathroom. In three minutes, the alarm clock beeps annoyingly and Clarke gets up as well.

* * *

"Lex!" Lincoln greets her warmly, bringing her in for an embrace. "How was your flight?"

"Fine," Lexa replies, turning around to see where Clarke is. Once she finds her all the way across the lobby with Octavia, she turns back to Lincoln and says, "You're not going to believe what happened when I got to the hotel, though."

"I walked in and she was there!" Clarke exclaims, to which Octavia furrows her brow as if to ask _Who?_

"The girl I had sex with the other day!" Lexa groans.

"Wait, wait… The one from The Ark? How'd she get here?" Octavia asks Clarke. "Is she a stalker or something?"

"Yeah that's what I thought too," Clarke admits, "but no, she's…"

"…Octavia's maid of honor, apparently," Lexa informs Lincoln.

"_Lexa_?" Octavia nearly yells in surprise.

"_Clarke?" _Lincoln laughs.

Both girls turn the other way in response to hearing their names. When they realize the situation, they blush profusely, avoiding eye contact and turning towards their best friends for help instead.

"What the fuck do I do?" Lexa asks, panicking.

"Well what to do you want to do?" Octavia asks Clarke.

"I don't know," they both reply to their best friend.

"Listen, Lex, you don't have to make this a big deal," Lincoln says. "Sure, it's a helluva coincidence, but…"

"…it doesn't mean you have to do anything," Octavia suggests. "You just have to deal with sharing a room for a week."

"But she's so…," Lexa groans.

"…and the sex was so…" Clarke huffs.

"Listen, Clarke," Octavia brings her back. "You're not the relationship type. And from what I know, Lexa hasn't really let anyone in since her last girlfriend – Costia or whateverthefuck – broke her heart. So, if you just want sex, leave it at the one night stand at the Ark. Otherwise, you'll probably just end up hurting the poor girl." Clarke nods, frowning and pouting in defiance, crossing her arms and wrinkling her nose at Octavia.

"I guess you're right," the blonde admits.

"I always am," Octavia smiles, linking arms with her best friend and guiding her towards the hotel restaurant.

* * *

"So, Lincoln," Octavia's brother, Bellamy, begins in between omelet bites, "It's very generous of you to pay for this whole pre-wedding honeymoon for all of us."

"Well, we're all about to become a family," Lincoln smiles. "I thought it would be nice if we could start off on the right foot – with a family vacation."

"Plus," Octavia adds, leaning in to her future husband and throwing her arms around him. "The real honeymoon is going to be after the wedding. And none of you are invited." Everyone laughs, except for Bellamy who wrinkles his nose in disgust.

Clarke and Lexa, who are sitting across from each other at the long table, spend the morning with their eyes glued to their food.

"What's first on our agenda, babe?" Octavia asks once everyone has finished.

"I was thinking we could take it easy today since most of us are probably jet-lagged," Lincoln replies. "We can go to the beach and chill, surf, swim… There's some special Hawaiian festival going on today, too."

"Awesome," Jasper, a friend of Octavia's, exclaims, thinking of all the hot tourists in bikinis he won't ask out.

* * *

"You can take the bathroom," Clarke offers, feeling a tang of guilt at how rude she'd been the day before. "I'll change out here."

"Thanks," Lexa says simply, slipping into the bathroom and undressing. She puts on her two-piece swimsuit and stares at herself intently in the mirror. Her black tattoos are visible and it makes her self-conscious, which is weird because she normally doesn't care. But she cares today. Why does she care today?

Clarke stumbles nervously, quickly, afraid that Lexa will come out and find her half naked. Which wouldn't be that bad though, would it? Clarke shakes the thought away as she ties the back of her bikini top. As soon as she does, Lexa knocks on the bathroom door and Clarke holds her breath.

The door opens and Lexa steps out cautiously, hesitantly. Clarke remains silent as the brunette makes her way out of the bathroom. Their eyes travel vigorously, hungrily across each other's flesh. They don't say a word, though it doesn't matter anyway because all they can hear is their own heartbeat, all they can focus on is the softness, the sharpness of each other's body.

_Fuck me_, Lexa thinks to herself and immediately blushes, wondering if she's said it out loud. Their eyes meet, finally, and they both wonder what it'll take for the other to ravage her. They both wait, patiently, painfully, for the other to do something – _anything _– to let the other know that they wanted this too. When neither did, they forced themselves to look away, to give up on the idea that there could ever really be anything other than a one night stand between them.


	3. Chapter 3

The sand feels soft and hot on their bare feet, as they walk down towards an oversized umbrella, under which Lincoln and Octavia lie. The sun is bright, but doesn't burn as much as the infinite closeness of their bodies. Lexa, sitting next to Lincoln, decides to focus her attention on the tranquil shore. She's always found some comfort in the sea. Clarke sits next to Octavia, digging her hands in the sand and watching as the particles slip through her fingers. They remain this way, enjoying the silence and the beach and the sand, until Bellamy arrives and ruins it all.

"What's this?" His voice startles them. "This isn't a beach party. Come on, let's go get some drinks and catch some waves."

They all turn to each other, wondering who will be the one to tell Bellamy to fuck off, but no one does. Clarke's eyes meet Lexa's and the spark it creates is enough to bring the blonde quickly to her feet.

"I'll go with you," she finds herself saying.

"Awesome," Bellamy grins and Lexa's stomach begins to burn. The two walk, talking aimlessly (Bellamy attempting to flirt and Clarke attempting not to notice), until they reach a nearby Tiki Bar.

"What are you having, princess?" Bellamy asks and Clarke does everything but cringe at the last word.

"Piña colada," Clarke says, and turns to look back at the beach while Bellamy orders. Even though she doesn't mean to, even though she tries so hard not to, her eyes go directly to Lexa. What harm can there be really in just looking? Taking in the delicacy of her skin as she stretches, as she lies under the sun? What harm can there be in imagining, daydreaming, fantasizing? Clarke running her hands across her body, caressing every inch... Leaning down and breathing on her skin, kissing, biting...

"Can you help me with these drinks?" Bellamy asks, interrupting her fantasy. Clarke stares at him, lost for a moment, painfully aware of the burning need in between her legs and the wetness that has suddenly appeared. "Clarke, are you okay?"

Shaking her head, Clarke nearly leaps forward desperately and kisses Bellamy, who in turn pulls her in to him almost aggressively. The kiss is hard and rough and Clarke doesn't like it, but she needs to take the image of Lexa off her mind and this seems like the only way to do that.

"Take me to your room," she whispers into his mouth, before kissing him again, and feeling him smile.

"You got it, Princess," he says, grabbing her hand and leading her back into the hotel, leaving the drinks at the bar. Clarke, with a knot in her stomach, follows behind him.

"Where are those two going?" asks Lincoln from across the beach.

"Oh, shit," Octavia groans. "Not again."

Lexa turns to see two figures disappear into the hotel and feels something in her go up in flames. "Again?" is all she can manage to say, without being to obvious about her undeniable jealousy.

"Clarke hooks up with Bellamy when she's either drunk, heartbroken, or desperate," Octavia explains. "And then regrets it immediately after."

Lexa nods, wondering which one of the three she is today. Not drunk, surely - so heartbroken or desperate? She wonders, then, if their sexual encounter at the Ark was due to one of these reasons too. She knows it didn't meant anything - just another one night stand between adults - but still, something in her whispers in her ear, saying that it was something more.

* * *

Clarke and Bellamy come back less than an hour later, a look of frustration on his face and a hint of sadness on hers. Lincoln and Octavia are surfing and Lexa, who is now walking by shore, letting her feet feel the coolness of the waves, doesn't notice that they're back until Bellamy is suddenly next to her.

"Hey there," he greets her, joining her in her stroll.

"Oh, hey," she replies dully, keeping her eyes on her feet, wondering where Clarke is and then reminding herself that she shouldn't care.

"Listen, sorry about the drinks earlier," he begins, "I got distracted, but, uh, I can make it up to you." He steps forward in front of Lexa so that she can't keep walking and is now forced to look up at him. There's a look in his eyes that Lexa can't place for a while, but when she does she almost ends up laughing in his face.

"Oh my god," she smiles. "Are you hitting on me? Right after you hooked up with Clarke?" Her tone isn't accusing, but rather one of disbelief. Bellamy's expression changes, and Lexa can swear he's turning red. "Look, don't even waste your breath. I play for the other team." She can see his eyes light up and immediately regrets opening her mouth.

"You're a lesbian?" There's so much lust in his eyes, it's disgusting. Lexa just nods and circles around him so she can keep walking peacefully, but he catches up behind her. "Maybe we can find someone to share," he half-jokes.

"Oh, fuck off," Lexa groans.

"Clarke plays for my team and yours, you know?" Bellamy goes on. "Maybe if you can convince her to..." Lexa can't believe what's she's hearing. She stops abruptly and turns to face Bellamy, a stone cold look on her face.

"I told you to fuck off," she says. "I don't want to 'share' anybody and much less with you. I am not your live porn show that you can get off to. I am not a lesbian that goes straight for you - or anybody else. You won't get anything from me so stop trying and fuck. off."

Bellamy nods, frustrated and defeated, silently walking away and cursing uptight lesbians under his breath.

"That was amazing," she hears a voice say. Turning around she finds Clarke, wide eyed and smiling, beautiful and delicate with the sun over her and making her blonde hair shine.

"You're not angry?" Lexa wonders, her voice ten times softer now.

"Why would I be angry?" Clarke steps closer to the brunette.

"I just insulted your ..." Lexa doesn't know what to call him, so she let's Clarke finish.

"He's not my anything." The air grows thicker between them, so Lexa turns to the ocean. "Lexa," Clarke speaks delicately, stepping even closer. "Look at me." Lexa obeys and turns back to face her, finding her only inches away. She steps back and Clarke frowns. "I didn't sleep with him," the blonde assures her and she doesn't know why she needs to do it, but she does.

"Oh."

"I kind of left him blue-balled," Clarke laughs and Lexa smiles at how beautiful that laugh is. "That's probably why he came looking for you. I mean - not that you're not sexy or anything because you are - I just mean that, um," Clarke stumbles for words and they both blush.

"It's fine," Lexa says and pauses before adding, "Why didn't you, though? You seemed pretty eager." She feels like she's crossed some sort of line and wants to immediately take it back, but Clarke doesn't seem to mind the question.

"I don't know," she admits, her eyes resting on Lexa's lips. "I'm trying to figure it out." Lexa is pulled closer by some force of gravity - as if Clarke where a planet and Lexa a helpless moon, stuck in a loop. But now it's Clarke who steps back. "I'll let you know when I do." Lexa nods and they both walk quietly, side by side. along the shore, a new sense of hope and danger and bravery in them.


	4. Chapter 4

_He put the "Do not disturb" sign on the door knob and shut it with a double lock. The room was exactly like Clarke and Lexa's and this bothered the blonde greatly, for she could picture Lexa in bed with her as they had been just the night before._

_"Hurry up," Clarke urged, impatiently, pulling Bellamy closer. He leaned in to kiss her, but she pushed him away and onto the bed. She didn't want to be kissed. She wanted to be fucked. Straddling him, though he still had his swimming trunks on, she began to grind on him, feeling him grow harder and harder beneath her._

_She didn't like this. She didn't like the hardness of it, though she had enjoyed it before. She wanted it rough, but also soft - harsh but warm. She wanted Lexa again. She wanted her hands and her wetness and her taste._

_"Fuck me," she commanded, so Bellamy eagerly sat up and pinned her to the bed as he lowered his trunks and her her bikini. Clarke closed her eyes, then, focusing on her throbbing want, pushing away any thought of Lexa that wanted to sneak through. "Fuck me," she moaned, but it wasn't for Bellamy and she knew this, but it didn't matter. He slid in and it hurt, but only in her chest. She didn't want this; she didn't want him. He filled her, but she had never felt so empty._

_"Do you like that?" Bellamy grunted, thrusting into her, but Clarke couldn't find it in her to lie._

_"No," she said simply._

_"What?" Bellamy asked, confused._

_"Stop," she nearly begged, pushing him off._

_"What the fuck, princess?" Bellamy groaned, letting himself fall back onto the bed._

_"I changed my mind," Clarke said, simply, pulling up her bikini and getting off the bed._

* * *

The night is beautiful with stars splattered across the sky covering it from end to end. Clarke looks up at them, mesmerized, as she always is by the beauty of the universe.

"I love stars," she says more to herself, though Lexa is sitting next to her.

"They're quite beautiful tonight," Lexa agrees.

They're sitting side by side in the sand, half-refusing to look at each other. When they finally do, they find that the light of the bonfire illuminates the other so exquisitely, so gently, and so delicately. They feel themselves pulled into each other for the twentieth time that day, and both silently agree that twenty is enough, but then Octavia feels the need to interrupt.

"Having fun?" she asks cheerfully, sitting down in between them.

"Yes, thank you," Lexa replies and turns back to look at the sky. Frowning, Clarke gives Octavia an annoyed look.

"Can I talk to you for a sec, Clarke?" Octavia asks, though it's more of a command.

"Sure," Clarke groans as she gets up and follows Octavia closer to the bonfire. "What's up?" She asks impatiently and her friend can tell that all she wants to do is go back to sit next to Lexa.

"What do you mean 'what's up'?" Octavia scoffs, but Clarke doesn't seem to notice as her eyes go back to Lexa who is still sitting in the sand, but is now joined by Lincoln. "Oh, my god, look at me."

"What?" Clarke asks defensively.

"I told you to stay away from Lexa," Octavia reminds her. "She's fragile." Clarke wonders how someone so fragile can make her feel so weak.

"She doesn't seem very fragile to me," Clarke argues and her mind goes back to their first encounter when Lexa so roughly took her and made her hers.

"Well, she is," Octavia assures her. "She's Lincoln's best friend. Please don't break her heart."

"I won't," Clarke promises to both Octavia and herself. She knows she's capable of it because she's broken so many hearts before, but this is the first time she's actually cared about it. This is the first time that the thought of it aches her too. She doesn't want to hurt Lexa; she just wants love her - love her completely, devouringly from head to toe - but she also doesn't know if she can love her for more than just one night. She decides, sadly, that it isn't worth the risk.

"Thank you," Octavia smiles. "Let's go get some drinks." She puts her arm around Clarke and they walk over to the Tiki Bar.

"I see you're getting pretty friendly with Clarke again," Lincoln says as he sits next to Lexa.

"I guess," she shrugs.

"You okay?" Lincoln asks.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. Honestly, Octavia made me come talk to you," he admits. "She's worried about you and Clarke."

"Why?" She knows why. She's worried too.

"Clarke's a nice girl, but she's not good for you, Lex," Lincoln says and Lexa wonders if she really cares about what's good for her and what isn't.

"I can take care of myself, Lincoln."

"I know," he nods. "But Octavia was denying me sex if I didn't come talk to you," he jokes and that makes Lexa laugh and give him a playful shove.

"I'm fine," she laughs. "Go get laid." Lincoln laughs too and it feels nice for both of them to find time to be together.

"How about you? Seen any hot Hawaiian chicks around?" Lincoln asks.

"Not particularly, though I haven't exactly been paying much attention," Lexa sighs, thinking of the distraction that is Clarke.

"You should," Lincoln says. "Have fun! You're a one-night-stand girl now, right?" Lexa laughs and shakes her head.

"You know I'm not," she says, before adding, a bit sadly, "Clearly." And they both know who she's referring to, but neither one mentions it.

"Well, what if the love of your life is here?" Lincoln suggests. "Just waiting for you." Lexa looks around the bonfire, her eyes passing through all the pretty girls around it, but ultimately find a stop with Clarke. She turns back to the stars.

"Yeah," she says. "Maybe."


	5. Chapter 5

The bonfire turns into a massive party that has everyone stumbling, laughing, singing, laughing, puking, and fucking. Lexa, trying to follow Lincoln's advice, is making it her goal to talk to every girl but Clarke. And Clarke notices this. Every time she tries to casually walk up and talk to her or 'coincidentally' dance next to her, Lexa finds the girl closest to her and starts a bullshit conversation.

"Where are you from?" the brunette asks a tall, tan woman as they rest on a nearby log, their legs aching from dancing. The woman replies something, but Lexa doesn't hear or doesn't care enough to remember, so she just nods and says, "Cool."

Clarke, seeing this, groans into her drink, before heading towards them, drunk out of her mind.

"Hello, ladies," she greets them, clumsily sitting down in the sand in front of them. Lexa rolls her eyes, annoyed, but more so at herself for the butterflies that emerged in her stomach when she saw her sit down. "What's your name?" Clarke asks the girl.

"Anya," she replies.

"Anya?" Clarke laughs. "What a shit name."

"Clarke," Lexa says sternly, giving her an angry look. "Sorry," she apologizes to Anya.

"No worries," she says. "Why don't we, uh, get out of here?" Clarke's eyes light up.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," the blonde says, slurring her words. "Lexa is an amazing fuck." The brunette can feel her heart stop in her chest.

"What?" she nearly yells.

"Oh, don't be modest," Clarke laughs. "She made me cum harder than I ever thought I could," she says to Anya now, who looks perplexed.

"Wait, you two have slept together?" she asks innocently to a very embarrassed Lexa who is hiding behind her hands.

"Once," she groans.

"Once is enough to catch herpes, though," Clarke comments, shamelessly. "So watch out, Anya. And sorry about that one, Lexa."

"That's not true!" the brunette wants to say, but Anya is already standing up and leaving.

"I need to go," she lies, leaving the two alone. Clarke hops on the log next to Lexa.

"You're welcome." Her breath smells of every kind of liquor and Lexa wrinkles her nose. "She wasn't good enough for you." The blonde leans in and Lexa thinks she might kiss her, but instead she rests her head on her shoulder. It feels nice.

"You're drunk," Lexa sighs, unable to stay mad, and Clarke nods aggressively. "Where's Octavia?"

"In her room with Lincoln," Clarke groans. "Lucky bitch."

"He's a good guy," Lexa comments, but Clarke shakes her head.

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I mean I'm horny as fuck," Clarke groans and Lexa can feel goosebumps on her skin. The blonde lifts her head back up and stares intently at Lexa.

"Go fuck someone then," Lexa suggests. "This place is crawling people who'd eagerly have sex with you."

"What good is that to me, when I can't even fuck Bellamy because of you?" Clarke says almost aggressively. "I can't fuck anyone. Because of you."

"Because of me?" Lexa asks, although she thinks she understands. But she doesn't want to think, she wants to know. She wants to feel it.

"I wasn't lying when I said you were an amazing fuck," Clarke says in an almost-whisper, leaning in so dangerously close to Lexa.

"But you were about the herpes bit, right?" Lexa smiles, trying to lighten the mood because she can't stand this suffocating tension.

"Yes!" Clarke laughs. "That was definitely a lie." The sexual tension is broken, at least momentarily, so Lexa takes this opportunity to stand up. "Where are you going?"

"To look for someone I can trust to take you back the room safely," Lexa says.

"Why don't you take me?" Clarke suggests and the tension begins tighten again.

"I don't trust myself," she admits.

"I trust you."

"I'm drunk too, Clarke. Two drunks don't make a right," she smiles down at the blonde who is still sitting on the log, looking up dreamily at her.

"Do you think we're drunk enough so that if we kiss, neither one of us will remember in the morning?" Clarke asks.

"I don't know," Lexa says, suddenly very interested in the proposition. "Maybe." She's standing over Clarke, but leaning down so that their faces are almost touching, and her hands and gripping the log for balance. Clarke is the one to lean in, pushing herself up so she can reach the brunette's soft lips. They kiss gently, Clarke running her hands through the other woman's scalp, pulling her in for more and more and more until they feel their lungs ache. Their lips depart, but they're not strong enough to let go just yet. Lexa leans in harder and they fall backwards, off the log and into the sand.

They laugh, lying side by side now and looking at the stars again. A few moments later Octavia reappears and agrees to take Clarke to the room. Lexa doesn't talk to any more girls that night, and when she steps back into the room, Clarke is already asleep.

The next morning, both women wake up with the feeling of the kiss still lingering on their lips, the memory of it completely clear and engraved into their minds. Neither one mentions it, assuming the other doesn't remember.


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke wakes up with a roaring headache and aching bones. She groans, tries to roll over, but stops as she notices an arm around her. Lexa, asleep, has her face buried in Clarke's blonde locks, holding her close. They stay this way until Clarke's body aches for a change in position. Carefully, she turns over so as to face Lexa, who groans softly in her sleep at losing the sweet scent of Clarke's hair. They're face to face now, noses almost touching, and Clarke feels safe amidst the physical pain of a hangover. She falls gently back to sleep.

Her eyes flutter open to find Clarke nuzzled in her chest. The position feels nice and warm and satisfying - Lexa wants to stay this way for hours, holding Clarke close and feeling her heartbeat, hearing her breath. But she has to pee. Carefully, so as to not wake her, Lexa pulls her arm back and gently sits up. Clarke rolls forward, and as Lexa gets up, takes the brunette's place.

She wakes up for the second time to find her headache has worsened and is now accompanied by a dull nauseating feeling at the pit of her stomach. She groans again, reaching out to touch Lexa, but she isn't there. Lifting her head, she looks around the room but finds it empty. She groans louder, letting her head fall back onto the bed.

"You okay?" she hears Lexa's voice and looks up again. She's coming out of the bathroom, short pajama shorts and a tank top. Clarke can't help but notice that she isn't wearing a bra underneath.

"I thought you'd left," Clarke says and it sounds a lot more needy than she meant it to sound.

"I'm right here," Lexa says and it sounds more romantic than she meant it to sound. "How are you feeling?"

"Like fucking shit," Clarke half-laughs, half-groans.

"Can I get you anything?" Lexa asks, stepping forward and sitting on the bed as she slips on a pair of slippers. "I'm going downstairs to get some coffee."

"Coffee would be nice," the blonde says, sitting up. "Black, please."

"You got it."

When Lexa comes back, Clarke is coming out of the bathroom, her groans even louder than before. The brunette tries not to smile at how cute the blonde looks, messy hair and all.

"Fuck," she curses. "How much did I drink?"

"Probably too much," Lexa smiles, handing her a cup of coffee. Clarke grabs it and sits back on the bed. "I'm guessing you won't be going rock-climbing with Lincoln and Octavia?" Clarke only groans in response, making Lexa laugh. The blonde wonders how even when everything hurts, her laugh comes like a sweet relief.

"You guys have fun without me," Clarke says sadly, and Lexa can't help but feel bad.

"I'm staying too," she finds herself saying.

"What? Why?" Clarke furrows her brow in confusion and even that hurts, but she doesn't notice because the sudden excitement in her belly is too distracting.

"Someone's got to take care of you," Lexa smiles.

"I'm fine," Clarke assures her, though only to be polite. Lexa gives her a look and she adds, "Okay, I'm not fine. But I will be."

"And until then, I'll be here making sure you don't die," Lexa argues playfully.

"No one's ever died of a hangover." _Oh my god just let her take care of you_. "But thank you," she adds quickly before the brunette can change her mind. "I'd enjoy the company."

* * *

"What do you do?" Clarke asks some couple of hours in. "Like, what's your job?" They both realize that they don't really know much about each other, and though at firsts their one-night-stand relationship depended on it, they are now incredibly curious of each other.

"I'm the director of an art museum," she explains. "What about you?"

"I own a tattoo shop," Clarke says and Lexa gives her a weird look. "What?"

"You don't seem to me like the tattoo shop type," she says. "Do you even have any tattoos?"

"One," Clarke says proudly. "But... you can't see it." She blushes and Lexa smiles. "What type had you pegged me for?"

"Hmm," Lexa thinks. "Unemployed, spoiled, rich kid." Clarke throws a pillow at her and they both laugh.

"I'll have you know I'm a fantastic tattoo artist."

"Yeah? Maybe next time I'll have you do me." Lexa smiles at the double meaning, but Clarke just blushes and looks away.

"I'm also, uh, a regular artist," Clarke says quickly, trying to hide her nervousness. "Like, you know, painting."

"Oh," Lexa says genuinely impressed. "I'd love to see your stuff. Maybe I can get you an exhibition at the museum."

"That would be amazing," Clarke says excitedly. "You would do that?"

"Yeah," Lexa says, their eyes looking into each other sweetly. "Uh, if they're good paintings, of course," she adds although she has no doubt that they are.

* * *

"Come on!" Clarke urges. "I'm bored." Lexa laughs at her childishness, but gives in.

"Okay, okay. Let's play," Lexa agrees. "With fingers, though, because I'm not letting you drink."

"Yeah, duh. Whoever loses, as in, whoever puts down all ten fingers, has to..." Clarke looks around the room.

"Buy the other dinner," Lexa finishes the sentence.

"Sure," Clarke agrees. "Okay, you first." They hold up both hands, showing their ten fingers to each other, as they sit face to face on the bed.

"Never have I ever...," Lexa thinks. "...slept with Bellamy Blake." Clarke wrinkles her nose and puts down a finger.

"Never have I ever gotten more than one tattoo," Clarke says, remembering how beautiful the black tattooed lines looked on Lexa's skin. They're nine to nine now.

"Never have I ever had more than one one night stand," Lexa says, making Clarke sigh and put down another finger.

"Your never-have-i-ever's are so sexual, Lexa," Clarke comments, "Something on your mind?" Lexa blushes and Clarke pretends not to notice. "Never have I ever been in love with a straight girl." Lexa thinks for a moment and then lowers a finger.

"Never have I ever been in love with a boy," Lexa says and Clarke puts down a finger. Eight to eight.

"Never have I ever had sex in a museum," Clarke smirks.

"How the fuck did you know that?" Lexa laughs, putting down a finger.

"You seem like the type," Clarke winks.

"Never have I ever had sex in a tattoo shop," Lexa says, but Clarke shakes her head.

"I don't shit where I sleep and I don't fuck where I work," she shrugs. Lexa groans and puts down a finger, putting Clarke at eight and Lexa at six. "Oh!" Clarke laughs. "Never have I ever had a threesome." Lexa shakes her head. "Damn it."

"Never have I ever said someone else's name during sex."

"Who told you about that?" Clarke asks genuinely shocked as she puts down a finger. Seven to six.

"You seem like the type," Lexa shrugs.

"Never have I ever..." Clarke hesitates before carefully adding, "...regretted having a one night stand." She puts her own finger down, but pays close attention to Lexa's. All six stay up.

"Never have I ever been so jealous that I told someone I had herpes," Lexa smiles. She's teasing Clarke by using the word "jealous" and they both know this. Lexa expects her to deny it, but Clarke puts down a finger. Now they're tied again, six to six.

"Never have I ever flirted with nearly every girl at a party to make someone else jealous," Clarke says, and neither one is teasing now.

"It wasn't to make you jealous," Lexa says quietly. They air grows thicker, hotter, and they lean closer to each other.

"Why was it, then?" Clarke asks, her breath quickening as she notices this sudden closeness.

"To get you off of my mind," Lexa explains as if it were nothing but Clarke can feel her heart in her throat. "Never have I ever -"

"Never have I ever tried to hook up with Bellamy Blake to get someone off of my mind," Clarke interrupts, putting down her own finger. "Emphasis on 'tried'," she smiles and Lexa looks at her, curiously. Five to six.

They're closer now, somehow, and they can almost feel each other's breath. Clarke's hands tingle with the urge to pull Lexa into her.

"Never have I ever wanted to kiss someone, but couldn't because my best friend told me not to," Lexa says and though she knows Clarke put down her finger, she doesn't see it because she's too busy looking deeply into her eyes. Four to six.

"Never have I ever gotten myself wet fantasizing about you," Clarke says and the heat between them is so undeniably real now. They both put down a finger. Three to five.

Lexa leans in closer, looking at her intently, analyzing every inch of her skin. Breathing in deeply, she can almost taste her, her intoxicating scent blurring her mind. Clarke leans in too, wanting to brush her skin against Lexa's, wanting to dive into her.

"Never have I ever -" Lexa begins, her breath hitting Clarke, but is interrupted yet again.

"Oh, shut up." Clarke leaps onto Lexa, her hands desperately grasping her brunette hair and pulling it back, pushing her own weight onto her so that they fall backwards into the bed. The kiss is desperate and hungry, going from her open mouth to her neck and back again, alternating between lips and tongues and teeth. Lexa's head spins and she doesn't know what else to do, but let herself be taken. She run one hand through blonde locks and places the other on Clarke's torso. Clarke takes her hands out of the brunette's hair and cups Lexa's face with her left while the right rests on the brunette's breast. They kiss this way for a while, until it isn't enough - until they need more closeness; skin on skin. Clarke's left hand leaves Lexa's face and trails down in between her thighs, slipping a hand into Lexa's shorts. Lexa does the same to Clarke, who's still on top of her. Their hands run right circles on each other's clit, both thrusting into each other's hand, demanding more, while simultaneously enjoying the hot, wet, squirming mess of the other. They moan into each other, sharp, heavy moans exploding in lust and burning pleasure.

There's a knock at the door.

"Fuck," Clarke whimpers into Lexa's mouth, lifting her head up.

"Ignore it," Lexa pleads, pulling her back to her mouth. "They'll leave." Clarke moans softly.

There's a another, louder knock at the door, this time accompanied by a familiar voice.

"Come on, Clarke," Octavia shouts. "Open the door." Clarke sighs, defeated, and sits up, slipping her hand out of Lexa's shorts and hopping off the bed.

"She's not gonna give up," Clarke explains as she leaves a panting, burning, and unsatisfied Lexa lying on the bed.

She opens the door and is greeted by Octavia's suspicious look.

"What's up, O?" Clarke asks, attempting to sound casual.

"We missed you at the rock climbing. Lexa texted Lincoln that you were hungover," Octavia says.

"Oh, yeah. You know how I get," Clarke smiles nervously. "How was rock climbing?"

"Amazing, actually, but that's not the point," Octavia argues.

"What's the point?"

"The point is you spent the day hauled up in here with Lexa, when I specifically told you -"

"Nothing happened, O!" Clarke interrupts, aggravated. "And even if it did, it's none of your business."

"Clarke, you don't fucking get it," Octavia nearly shouts and Clarke is sure that Lexa can hear from inside.

"Stop fucking yelling. She can hear you," Clarke whispers, stepping out and closing the door behind her.

"Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this because I promised Lincoln I wouldn't, but you're my best friend," Octavia whispers too. "A little over a year ago, Lexa's ex, Costia -"

"Yeah, broke her heart, I know," Clarke groans.

"Yeah, but it wasn't just an eat-ice-cream-straight-from-the-container-while-listening-to-Taylor-Swift kind of heartbreak," Octavia explains. "It fucked her up bad. Like, a fistful of antidepressants and a month in a mental institution bad."

"Oh," Clarke says softly, unsure of what else to say. She didn't know it had been that serious.

"She's better now, for sure, but if she's gonna start dating again, I don't think it should be with you," Octavia says. "Lincoln pretends not to care, but he does. I know, to you, Lexa might be just a good fuck, but she's Lincoln's best friend and if you hurt her, you hurt him and if you hurt him you hurt me, so..."

"I get it," Clarke sighs. "I really do." And she does, for the first time. And she knows that Lexa isn't just a good fuck for her, but she might as well be because Clarke can't give her anything more than that in return. "I'll be good," she promises.

"Good, now get dressed and meet us downstairs in forty five minutes. Lincoln is taking us out for some sort of traditional Hawaiian lunch," Octavia says, before spinning around happily and leaving Clarke to groan against the door.

She walks in and Lexa is sitting up in bed, watching TV. As soon as Clarke walks in, she turns it off, and looks at her, an innocent desire in her eyes that nearly breaks Clarke's heart.

"Everything okay?" Lexa asks.

"Yeah, just fine," Clarke says, plainly, her eyes avoiding Lexa's as she plops herself down, defeated in a chair next to the bed.

"She sounded pretty pissed off."

"I said it's fine," she snaps back and Lexa furrows her brow, confused at this sudden change in mood. "She wants us to be downstairs in forty five minutes for lunch." Lexa nods, standing up and taking her shirt off in front of Clarke who groans annoyed, "What are you doing?"

"Changing into something more appropriate," she replies, teasingly, slipping off her shorts and revealing pink panties with a dark circle caused by the wetness that Clarke had helped her produce. She groans again, turning to look anywhere else. Lexa frowns, defeated, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door a little too loudly. As she does, though, Clarke turns back to look at her, her center aching for her.

The moment she hears the shower open, she lets her hand wander down to the warmth in between her legs. Throwing her head back, she suppresses her moans, as her fingers circle rapidly, frantically around her clit.

"Mmmf," she grunts, closing her eyes, imaging it's Lexa's tongue that's doing this to her; imagining her sweet hot breath on her clit; imagining her long fingers coming in and out of her. She arches her back in the chair and stifles out another moan. "Mmm...f-fu..ck," she whimpers, bringing her free hand to her mouth so as to trap her voice. "Lex..a," she whispers her name, coming undone, and drowning in the waves of pleasure that submerge her in momentary ecstasy. When she's done, she feels dirty and pathetic, with the fire of unquenched lust still all but extinguished.


	7. Chapter 7

Lexa steps into the shower and finds comfort in the cold water that runs over her head. She breathes in, imagining how the darkness of the room and the complexity of her non-relationship with Clarke slip off of her with the water, running down the drain and disappearing. She knows that when she comes back out, it'll envelop her again and she'll be submerged and drowning in it, but for now she doesn't care. She doesn't like drama - she never has. She likes things simple and well done or not done at all, but there's something about Clarke, she thinks, that keeps pulling her back. Clarke, who is all but simple and all but well done.

She thinks of Costia for the first time in months and relishes in the fact that it doesn't hurt anymore. She thinks of the way she used to kiss her every night and every morning, and she doesn't miss it anymore. She thinks of their first and twentieth and hundredth and last date, and it doesn't sting anymore. She thinks of their wedding day and how Costia refused to show up, and it doesn't kill her anymore.

She steps out of the shower, covering herself in a towel. As she reaches for the door, something stops her - she hears Clarke, breathing heavily and grunting. Lexa feels like an intruder, but can't help but place her ear against the door. She listens to the blonde try to stifle moans, cutting off grunts of pleasure, until she finishes with the whisper of the brunette's name.

"Are you avoiding me?" Lexa asks Clarke, closing the restroom door behind her. It's quite ironic that they're having a private meeting in a public restroom once again, but it's the only way Lexa can be alone with Clarke.

"No," Clarke lies, turning to the mirror and adjusting her make up as Lexa walks up next to her.

"Are you sure?" Lexa comments, admiring Clarke's reflection.

"Don't be so self-absorbed," Clarke snaps back. "Not everything I do has to do with you."

"Fine," Lexa sighs, giving up. "I'll see you later, then." She leaves the room and Clarke can't shake off the aching in her chest.

* * *

The music is so loud that Clarke wonders if she's ever going to hear again. Stumbling through the neon lights that glow in the darkness of the club, she reaches the bar and orders a shot of tequila. The dancing around her annoys her - well, it seems like today everything annoys her - because the dancers stumble into her, making her spill her drink.

"Fuck," she yells, but it doesn't matter because no one hears her. "Another!" she says to the bartender who's also dancing, nodding to the beat as he notices her.

"Hey," someone next to her says loudly into her ear. Turning around, she finds Anya standing next to her. Clarke nods, acknowledging her, but then turns back to the bartender. "Clarke, right?" The blonde rolls her eyes.

"Yeah," she says, purposely not loud enough for Anya to hear, but she reads her lips and understands.

"I'm Anya!" she shouts back.

"I know," Clarke groans.

"Can we talk?" Anya asks and Clarke sighs.

"Whatever." They shuffle through the dancefloor until they make their way outside of the club. The fresh air is nice and Clarke wonders if she should just stay outside instead. "What do you want?"

"Listen," Anya begins. "I get the feeling you don't like me, but -"

"I don't," Clarke says, too grumpy to be polite.

"Right. Well, it turns out your friend Lexa is the only decent girl around here," Anya says a bit drunkenly and Clarke nods because it's true. "And I can't get her off of my fucking mind." Clarke feels herself fill up with jealousy, but she just nods again because she understands the feeling.

"What do you want from me?" Clarke nearly growls. "My blessing or some shit?"

"I can't find her," she groans, sitting down on the sidewalk. "I wanted to ask you for her number, but now that I say it out loud, it doesn't sound like such a great plan."

Clarke sits down next to her, sighing. "I don't have it," she says sadly and Anya thinks she's lying, but she's not. They stay there, together, drunk, and lonely for Lexa. "I can get it for you, though," she finds herself saying after a few minutes and Anya's eyes light up. She speaks the words before she understands them, and when she does, they're already in the air so she can't take them back.

"Really?" Anya asks in disbelief.

"Sure," Clarke sighs, convincing herself that it's for the best anyway - to keep Lexa from chasing Clarke around before the blonde gives in; to keep Lexa busy and help her get Clarke off of her mind so that Clarke can do the same. Anya and Clarke exchange numbers so that the blonde can text her the number when she gets it. Anya walks back to her hotel room, happily, while Clarke stays, sitting on the sidewalk.

Clarke stumbles into the hotel room at 4:12 in the morning, out of tiredness more than drunkenness. She feels drunk - she wishes she was drunk - but she isn't. Lexa is already in bed, sleeping peacefully, taking over most of the bed, but Clarke doesn't push her to the side. Instead, she lies in what little bed is still free, her right foot dangling off. She sighs.

"Mmm," Lexa groans in her sleep and Clarke thinks she's awake.

"Sorry," she apologizes for waking her up.

"Clarke," Lexa says so softly that Clarke has to lean in. When she does, she realizes that Lexa is still asleep.

"Yes?" She replies anyway, remembering an article she read once that said sleeptalkers always speak the truth.

"I'm..." she mumbles something, but Clarke doesn't catch it.

"You're what?" She leans in closer.

"I'm trying to sleep," she groans and Clarke leans back. Maybe she's actually awake. "but Clarke is... my mind..." She quickly leans back in.

"Clarke is what, Lexa?" She asks curiously.

"She's...so..." Lexa breathes in deeply and Clarke is growing impatient. "beautiful." Clarke can't help but smile.

"Lexa is beautiful too," she whispers to her, and she is - so, so beautiful. Lexa half-smiles.

"I think I might..." Lexa whispers back, "fall for her."

"No," the word slips out of Clarke's lips. "You can't." There's panic in her voice, but she keeps it low so as to not wake her.

"I can't," Lexa agrees.

"Clarke isn't good for you," the blonde says sadly, and she doesn't know why but her eyes well up in tears. Maybe she's just tired. Lexa only sighs in return, not uttering another word for the rest of the night. She dreams of Clarke and Clarke and Clarke. And Clarke, who cannot fall asleep, stays up and thinks - of Lexa and Lexa and Lexa.

Top of Form


	8. Chapter 8

They wake up and side by side in silence for at least an hour, listening to each other breathe and looking up at the ceiling, as if it were splattered with stars. They don't quite know where they stand anymore; they don't quite know what they are – not something, but not nothing. They don't quite know what they _want_ to be. Lexa sighs and Clarke turns to face her. She's beautiful and close, but infinitely far away it hurts. It hurts because she knows she can have her; she can take her and make her hers because she knows that Lexa will let her. But she can't. She can't hurt her – she won't. And Lexa, who feels Clarke's stare, hurts too because she doesn't understand the blonde beauty that lies beside her – she doesn't get this hot-and-cold-ness; this immaturity and childish behavior. She doesn't have the time or energy to deal with this kind of complicated mess, but it hurts because she can't stop wanting her; can't stop caring. Clarke turns back, away from Lexa and looks at the ceiling again.

"Are you awake?" Clarke asks even though she knows the answer already – she just wants to talk, innocently; just to hear her voice. Lexa turns to look at her and nods. Clarke frowns.

"What's wrong?" Lexa asks, copying her frown.

"Nothing," Clarke says. "Do you know what today's plans are?" She doesn't know what else to say, but she needs to keep talking.

"I think whale watching and some sight-seeing," Lexa replies and she's getting annoyed because the conversation is so empty. She doesn't want to talk about this.

"Sounds like it'll be fun," Clarke smiles, but she's not particularly happy. Lexa nods.

"Do you like whales?"

"I guess," Clarke shrugs.

"I went whale watching once in Alaska," Lexa comments. "It was beautiful."

"You've been to Alaska?" Clarke asks, genuinely curious, leaning forward, propping herself up on her elbow.

"I'm from Alaska, actually," Lexa says proudly.

"Isn't it all just igloos and penguins?" Clarke asks and Lexa laughs, making Clarke turn pink. "Are you a penguin, Lexa?"

"Yes, Clarke," she smiles, but then adds, "It's actually quite nice, especially in the summertime. There isn't always snow like you'd think. I'd like to take you." The last part comes out almost involuntarily, making Clarke swallow hard and chuckle nervously.

"I'd like you take me, too," she says. "I'm from Cali, so I never really thought I'd survive in Alaska."

"Well, you're doing quite fine in New York, aren't you?"

"It's all right," Clarke smiles. "Honestly, weather-wise, job-wise and pretty much everything-wise, Cali's better."

"Oh, yeah?" Lexa says sarcastically. "I don't know. New York's okay, but it isn't home, you know?"

"Yeah," Clarke agrees.

"Where's home for you, Clarke?" Lexa asks.

"I told you – Cali."

"That's where you're from. But is it home?" Lexa asks and Clarke has to stop for a moment a think. Her head shakes slightly.

"Where's home?"

"Home is…" Clarke furrows her brow, thinking hard, images and instances of all the places she's been flashing through her head, but none of them feel enough. "You know, I don't know." Suddenly she feels a bit sad. "What about you?"

"Wengen," Lexa says almost immediately. "A small town in Switzerland – it's just absolutely peaceful and breathtaking and calming and exciting at once." There's so much passion in her dark brown eyes that Clarke begins to smile, leaning in closer. "I bet you'd love it. You could paint – uh, do you paint landscapes?" Clarke nods, instead of talking so as to not interrupt. "Well, the scenery is magnificent – Perfect for a painter." _Perfect for you – perfect for us. _

Clarke feels her insides going warmer as she leans in even closer, eyes glued to Lexa's as they eye the ceiling dreamily as if they showed her the village of Wengen. The blonde rests her head carefully on Lexa's abdomen, looking up at her. The brunette doesn't seem to notice at first, but oh she does. And her nerves tighten and she feels herself fill up with butterflies like a school girl. She brings a hand up to intertwine her fingers in blonde hair, lazily twirling it and gently massaging her scalp as she keeps talking. And Clarke finds her voice so soothing, she feels that if she closes her eyes she can doze back to sleep. But she doesn't want to close her eyes – she doesn't want to miss a thing.

"It does sound perfect," Clarke finally says once Lexa has finished. "I'd love to go one day." They stay quiet for a while, deep in their own thoughts again, trying to figure out what this closeness means. It feels nice – amazingly so – to be so close without it being necessarily sexual. (Though they both know it could become so in an instant, if either one made a move.) It's warm and comforting and safe, but it's dangerous and they both know this too. Clarke thinks back to her conversation with Octavia; _Maybe I can be a normal person for once. Maybe I can date; fall in love; be happy. _She looks up at Lexa, who looks so strong but seems so fragile at the same time. _Maybe I'm already in love. Maybe…_

"Clarke," Lexa says and the blonde can tell by her tone of voice that the conversation is about to have a serious, intimate shift. She jolts up, and sits, facing away from Lexa, who frowns.

"Do you mind if I shower first?" Clarke asks, panicking. She isn't ready for this conversation, though she can't keep toying Lexa. She knows the brunette is tired and annoyed and growing tired of her same shit. She knows that if she leaves this unresolved again, it'll resolve itself into nothing. But she's scared – she's terrified because she's never felt this way before; she's never –

"Go ahead," Lexa sighs and Clarke gets up. As the bathroom closes behind her, they both are finally on the same page: they _could_ something, but they are undeniably nothing.


	9. Chapter 9

They don't talk anymore. They wake up, take turns showering and getting dressed, and then head out the door, side by side, but in complete silence. They sit on complete opposites at the breakfast and lunch and dinner tables. They go scuba diving and surfing and hiking, but always at  
different times. No one else seems to notice this sudden change - this extreme avoidance. But the silence is so deafening to both Clarke and Lexa that they find themselves getting drunk almost every night as an excuse to kiss. Just lips on lips and hands in hair and skin on skin. And the next morning they pretend not to remember it.

Clarke got Lexa's number out of Octavia's phone when she wasn't looking and texted it to Anya. Now she seems to have joined their little group of friends, accompanying Lexa in almost every activity. Clarke tells herself she doesn't care.

It's the night before their last and the moon shines brightly over Lexa, who's resting against a large rock and looking out into the sea, watching carefully as the waves crash into the shore. Someone steps up next to her and she immediately assumes it's Anya.

"I love the ocean," she says softly.

"I love _you_," Clarke replies flirtatiously, but equally as soft. Lexa turns, surprised, to find the blonde sitting next to her. The three words hang in the air for a while, and though it's not the first time they've been spoken, they still hit Lexa as hard as they did the first time – as hard as they do every time.

_The first time, they were in their bathroom (ironically enough) inside their hotel room, in a sweaty frenzy, tugging and pulling each other in - back and forth, hungrily, drunkenly, recklessly; Lexa on top of the sink countertop, Clarke in between her legs. It was maybe the third or fourth time they'd made out drunk, but it was the first time their minds grew so foggy and so dark that they couldn't bring themselves to stop._

_"Lexa," Clarke growled into the brunette's mouth, making her head spin and her throat let out a soft moan. "Lexa," she said the name with such erotic delicacy. They thrusted their bodies into each other, though their clothes remained on, feeling the waves of pleasures build up inside them. Lexa threw her head back and Clarke took the opportunity to kiss her neck._

_"Clarke," Lexa moaned her name too, wrapping her legs around her and pulling her closer. "Fuck, Clarke."_

_This went on for a few minutes until, they both began to reach that edge of ecstasy. Clarke, pulled Lexa and kissed her, wanting to feel her moans vibrate inside her as they came undone._

_"I love you," the words were whispered right as they both tipped over the edge, feeling themselves implode in pleasure. They moaned loudly, as if that would bring silence to the three words that had been spoken. They didn't talk about it afterwards, because it didn't mean anything - You love everyone when they're making you cum._

That was the only time they had let themselves finish, though, then they only climbed up to that edge, said their truthful lies of love and then stopped, panting into each other, trying to find calm in the stormy seas of each other's eyes. Clarke had been the first one to say it, though Lexa did the next time. Always at that edge, as if it were a safety net; as if it could take away the weight of the words if it had to.

Now, on the beach, without even touching, Clarke said it out loud.

"Clarke," is all Lexa can really say, as she tries to register what's going on. It's strange to hear her voice like that again. She heard her joke and laugh and talk with Octavia and their other friends and she heard her moan and whisper lustfully in her ear, but she missed hearing it like this. So close and soft and gentle and vulnerable.

"Lexa," Clarke replies and there is so much sadness in her blue eyes and in her shaky voice that the brunette doesn't know what to do.

"You're drunk," she comments more to reassure herself than anything else. She has to be drunk if she's throwing out "I love you's." Clarke just nods, understanding, though she isn't drunk at all. - just tired and lost and confused and maybe even a little heartbroken. "Go to bed, Clarke." The blonde nods again, before getting up and leaving Lexa alone with the ocean again, feeling unwanted.

The brunette sighs, a turmoil of emotions in her. All she wants to do is follow Clarke into their room, but she knows it wouldn't do any good. She's drunk and she doesn't mean it and Anya's nice and doesn't give her any childish, high school drama.

"Why so pensive?" Anya asks as she sits down next to Lexa, who shakes her head.

"I love the ocean," she says again.

"Me too. It's amazing," Anya agrees and it's the perfect answer, but Lexa doesn't even hear it because Clarke's words still ring in her ears.

"Tomorrow's my last night," Lexa reminds Anya.

"I know," there's sadness in her voice, but it's not Clarke's type of sad. It's not the meaningful type of sad. Anya comes in and rests her head on Lexa's shoulder. They haven't slept together yet, but they both have this silent understanding that they have to before they each go back home. "We should make the best of our time together." She runs her hand carefully down Lexa's back and the brunette flinches. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, uh, no," Lexa stumbles up. "I don't feel well. I think I need to lie down." It isn't a lie; she feels dizzy and anxious - all she wants to do is be in bed and sleep and not think and not feel.

"Do you want me to take you to your room?" There's that same kind of sadness in her voice and it makes Lexa angry. She doesn't care, she just wants to fuck you, her thoughts ache. But Clarke. The name rings incessantly. What does Clarke want?

"No, I can get there on my own," Lexa says, but Anya wasn't asking a question. She grabs Lexa's arm and guides her back into the hotel. They take the elevator and Anya says things that Lexa doesn't pay attention to because she's too busy looking at her reflection on the elevator door and thinking about Clarke. They reach the room and Lexa opens the door.

It's dark inside and Lexa's heart fills with inexplicable sadness and disappointment because Clarke isn't here. Anya pushes her through the door and sits her on the bed.

"Would you like me to stay a while?" Anya asks, but it isn't a question either and before Lexa can say no, Anya's hand is already running up her leg. She leans into her neck and traces kisses up to her lips.

"Anya," Lexa sighs. "I'm so drunk." It isn't true, but she just wants her to stop.

"Me too," is all she says, she keeps kissing her and Lexa can't remember how to move because her brain is too busy, too loud, too messy with the memory of Clarke's kisses and how different they are and how better they feel.

"Stop," she says, but Anya doesn't seem to hear so Lexa isn't sure if she even said it out loud.

Clarke rests her head on the bathroom door and she can hear Anya kissing Lexa and it makes her feel sicker than the liquor did. She groans. She's sitting on the cold floor, but she's burning - in rage and jealousy.

"Anya, stop," Lexa says again and pushes her back, but it doesn't matter because soon she's being pinned to the bed. "Get off," she says now angrily, and Clarke can hear it and suddenly all that rage comes boiling to the surface, evaporating all the alcohol in her blood. It doesn't matter that she's a terrible person who can't love anyone but herself because in this moment she loves Lexa and in this moment Anya doesn't. She stumbles out of the bathroom, but instantly wishes that she hadn't.

She shouldn't have underestimated Lexa, who's strong and independent and almost dangerous. The brunette pushes Anya back again, and commands her to leave with so much dominance in her voice that it makes the other two women back up like two scared puppies.

"Leave," she says again and Anya simply nods, exciting the room. Once she's gone, Lexa relaxes and lets herself fall back down onto the bed, through her feet stay dangling off, still unaware that Clarke is in the room with her. The blonde steps forward and sits next to her. "Oh hey," Lexa says simply, suddenly incredibly exhausted.

"Hey there, Commander Lexa," Clarke jokes and Lexa chuckles emptily. The blonde lets herself fall back onto the bed, next to Lexa, so that they're side by side with their legs dangling off. "I'm not drunk anymore," Clarke says and it's a simple statement but it carries so much weight, it crushes them both,

"No?" Lexa asks, but she's asking another question - she's asking "do you still love me when you're sober?"

"I don't know," Clarke groans. "Where does Anya live?"

"Canada."

"You two gonna visit?" There's an obvious jealousy in Clarke's tone and Lexa can't help but smile.

"I doubt it," Lexa replies, turning her head to face Clarke and adding, "She's not my type."

"What's your type, Lexa?" Clarke asks and the way she says her name overwhelms them both.

"The unattainable, apparently," Lexa says, half-smiling.

"Are you drunk, Lexa?" Clarke asks. "I might be if you are too." And that's how they always end up kissing, set on fire by each other's touch and lips and tongue - never brave enough to jump over the edge again, always left feeling more desperate and unsatisfied than before.

"No," Lexa says and Clarke frowns involuntarily. "I'm not drunk. I'm just tired." The blonde nods. "Anya's good for me," Lexa keeps talking.

"I know," Clarke says, though she isn't so sure anymore. She doesn't _want_ to be sure anymore. She doesn't want to be the good person who gives up what (or whom) she really wants to avoid hurting people. She wants to be selfish again. She wants to give Lexa dates and kisses and adventures – like Anya has been now. She wants it to be her, not Anya; not anyone else. But it's too late now. Too terribly, disappointingly, heartbreakingly late.


	10. Chapter 10

Tonight is their last night in Hawaii and Clarke hasn't gotten out of bed, too busy being buried in pillows and self-loathing. Lexa's out with Anya, who apologized for the previous night, and is now taking the brunette out for a one-day adventure. Clarke groans because she knows it'll probably end in sex and it makes her sick to think about someone else touching Lexa and making her shiver and whimper and moan. She feels selfish.

Her phone dings. She has a text.

**Octavia 3:43 PM**  
Where are you?

**Clarke 3:44 PM**  
My room

**Octavia 3:47 PM**  
Still? Wtf are you hungover again?

**Clarke 3:50 PM**  
No. Just tired.

**Octavia 3:52 PM**  
Tired my ass

**Clarke 3:56 PM**  
Lexa's out with Anya.

**Octavia 3:57 PM**  
So?

**Clarke 3:59 PM**  
So, I'm tired

**Octavia 4:02 PM**  
I can't believe you're jealous

**Clarke 4:04 PM**  
Not jealous. Tired.

**Octavia 4:07 PM**  
Whatever, princess. You'll find someone else who's good in bed

**Clarke 4:10 PM**  
I guess

**Octavia 4:16 PM**  
I'm coming over

**Clarke 4:16 PM**  
No

**Octavia 4:18 PM**  
It's your last night in Hawaii. I'm getting you laid so you can stop moping around.

**Clarke 4:19 PM**  
Nooooo

**Octavia 4:20 PM**  
On my way

* * *

"Lexa," Anya says, as they sit side by side at the edge of a cliff that looks over the sea. There's a picnic blanket insensate them, half-eaten food scattered around them.

"Hm?" Lexa asks, busy being amazed by the ocean waves.

"I really like you," Anya struggles to get the words out, but Lexa doesn't notice.

"I like you too," she smiles.

"I think I can swing my New York in a couple of weeks," Anya says and Lexa's eyes light up in surprise.

"You want to visit me?"

"If you'd like," Anya says shyly. "I know I would."

"I think that would be nice," Lexa says and it isn't a lie. It is nice to be with Anya and to have things be simple and straight forward. Anya smiles and leans her head on Lexa's shoulder.

* * *

Lexa walks into the room to change into her bathing suit and is surprised to find Clarke still there, rolled up in a blanket burrito and groaning into her phone. As soon as the conversation ends, she throws it across the room and it lands at Lexa's feet. She picks it up and places it on the night stand, before coming to sit on the bed. Clarke, who didn't the door opening, is now aware of Lexa's presence by the shift of the bed.

"Are you okay?" Lexa asks and Clarke wonders: if she says that she's hungover, will she stay and take care of her again? She rolls over and faces Lexa, only her curious blue eyes showing. Lexa smiles at how insanely adorable she looks, but then turns away to hide her amusement.

"How's your mega date going?" Clarke asks, ignoring Lexa's question.

"Good," Lexa says, but it doesn't sound very convincing. "I just came over to change." Clarke nods and rolls back away. Lexa hesitates before going into the bathroom.

Clarke stares at the ceiling, thinking about how Lexa's going to leave in a few moments and come back until the morning as someone else's. She can't bear the thought, so she tries to think of something else. Her tattoo shop - Lexa has tattoos. The painting she's working on - Lexa works at an art museum. Re-adjusting to the change of time zones - Lexa staying up with her and watching Friends.

She comes out, a two piece bikini on, and wrapped in a beach towel.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Lexa asks again, seeing as the blonde is groaning again - this time at how unbelievably gorgeous the brunette looks. "Do you feel sick?" Clarke is about say yes if it means that she'll stay, but then she adds, "I can tell Octavia to come look after you."

"She's already on her way," Clarke sighs.

"Oh," Lexa says quietly. And she doesn't want to leave, so she thinks of an excuse to stay. "I can wait for her to get here, if you want."

"That would be nice."

"All right, then scoot," Lexa says and Clarke moves to the side to give room to Lexa, who hops on the bed next to her.

"You two lovebirds going to the beach?" Clarke asks, trying to act nonchalant about it.

"A spa, actually," Lexa replies. "But then maybe the beach. I don't know. She has everything planned out. It's all a surprise to me."

"You're really into her, huh?" Clarke asks a bit sadly.

"I guess, yeah," Lexa says. "I mean, she's nice. And patient. And romantic." Clarke frowns because she knows she isn't any of those things. "And a good kisser too," she adds chuckling and she doesn't know why she's saying these things. Maybe she wants to make Clarke jealous. Maybe she wants to make Clarke care.

And Clarke cares - incredibly so. She feels her insides start to droop in sadness, knowing that there's no chance for them to be together anymore. She was too slow, too scared, too childish.

"Too bad you're probably never gonna see her again," Clarke says and it comes out a bit mean, but Lexa doesn't mind it.

"Well, actually she said she'd go visit me in New York," Lexa says almost guiltily.

"Oh," is all Clarke says. They stay lying there quietly, until there's finally a knock at the door and it's Octavia.

* * *

"How about her?" Octavia asks, leaning into Clarke and discreetly pointing to a redhead across the bar.

"Straight," Clarke says, before taking a drink of her vodka tonic.

"Him?" Octavia points to a tall, handsome man who's talking with a group of friends.

"Gay," Clarke says with another drink.

"Either my gaydar is seriously broken or you just want to get out of this," Octavia says, playfully pushing Clarke who chuckles.

"A bit of both," she admits, rocking back and forth in her seat, completely bored. She looks around the bar and, really, there are enough beautiful people to go around; from all over the world too: Mexico, Brazil, Spain, France, Germany, Australia,... but Clarke just doesn't care enough. Or cares too much. They're not Lexa enough.

"What's wrong, Clarke?" Octavia finally asks.

"I think," she frowns, not really wanting to finish her sentence. "I think I might be, like, in love with Lexa." Octavia laughs and Clarke turns red.

"You can't be serious, Clarke," she smiles. "You've known her for what? A week?"

"I know," Clarke groans loudly. "But I love her. Like, I wouldn't admit to that if it was something less than love. You know me. I'm not the kind of person who just instantly falls for someone. I never fall for anyone! But now, this... this is different. Better. Stronger than anything I've ever felt before. And it's not just sex, because yeah, it's fucking amazing, but it's just her in general. She's just... She's so amazing and strong and smart and beautiful and funny. And, like, I know I'm not good enough for her. I know that she deserves someone who can love her fully."

"Sounds like you do," Octavia says.

"I do, but... you know what I mean," Clarke sighs.

"Is this because of what I told you? About you breaking her heart?"

"Well, yeah!"

"Clarke, you're such a fucking idiot," Octavia exclaims and the blonde furrows her brow, confused. "Everyone gets hurt. That's just part of life. Going into a relationship, you're both basically giving the other person permission to hurt you."

"What are you talking about? That doesn't sound healthy," Clarke says.

"What I mean is, you give them your heart. You give them the power to hurt you, but you trust that they won't. That's what love is," Octavia explains. "Lincoln has my heart and he has the power to break it, but he won't."

"Or I'll break is nose," Clarke interjects and Octavia laughs. "What does this have to do with Lexa?"

"It means she has the power to hurt you," Octavia says and Clarke nods, agreeing. "If she loves you too, then you have the power to hurt her too."

"But I don't want to."

"Tough shit, Clarke. That's love. You have to risk pain and broken hearts," Octavia says. "You have to risk everything, but you know what? It is so fucking worth it."

"But you told me -"

"I told you not to hurt her by getting her hopes up that you actually gave a fuck," Octavia explains. "I had no idea you actually cared about her, dumbass. Tell me stuff!"

"I do care, Octavia. I care so much," Clarke says. "But... but what if she doesn't? What if it's too late now and she cares more about Anya?" Octavia shrugs.

"Let's find out."


	11. Chapter 11

**[Group Message]  
Octavia 7:34 PM****  
**Bonfire at 8

**Bellamy 7:36 PM  
**That's when the stripper gets here tho

**Octavia 7:36 PM  
**WHAT?

**Lincoln 7:37 PM  
**No stripper! Don't listen to Bellamy. We will be there at 8

**Jasper 7:38 PM**  
Whipped

**Octavia 7:40 PM****  
**Shut up, Jasper.

**Lexa 7:43 PM  
**We might get there around 9

"They're totally gonna have sex first," Clarke groans, looking at her phone next to Octavia, who shoves her playfully.

"Stop being such a high schooler," Octavia says. "Besides they're probably planning on having sex at the very end of their night as a sort of parting gift." Clarke groans some more.

**Octavia 7:45 PM  
**9 is good

"It's okay, Clarke," Octavia comforts her friend, putting an arm around her. "You'll get her back at the bonfire so there won't be time for any sexy time with Anya."

"I guess," the blonde sighs and sends a text.

**Clarke 7:46 PM**  
I'll be there

Lexa's phone buzzes again and she glances down, expecting to see another dumb comment from Bellamy or Jasper, but instead, Clarke's name flashes on the screen. Her heartbeat quickens, if only momentarily. She didn't expect Clarke to go, after finding her all grumpy and adorable - I mean, just grumpy - in their room. She finds herself feeling glad that the blonde will join them.

"Clarke is going too," Lexa says and Anya notices the joy in her voice.

"Hmm," she says simply, obviously jealous. "That's nice." Lexa doesn't really know how to react to that because it's not like Anya and her are in an official relationship yet. She finds this jealousy annoying. She then wonders why it is that she finds Clarke's jealousy incredibly adorable in comparison.

* * *

"She's not gonna fucking come," Clarke sighs, sitting on a log, leaning against Octavia who's sitting next to Lincoln.

"It's 8:54, Clarke," she says. "Chill." But Clarke can't chill. Her legs jump up and down and she can feel her the vodka tonic coming back up, her chest tightening in anxiety.

"Dude, I don't think I can do this," she says, panicking. "I've never fucking confessed my undying love for someone."

"Don't be so dramatic," Octavia laughs. "It'll be fine. Just remember what we planned. I'll distract Anya with my amazing personality and undeniable charisma. And meanwhile, you find a way to be alone with Lexa."

"Okay, oh - oh, fuck," Clarke exclaims, watching as two familiar figures come walking down to the bonfire. They're not holding hands and Clarke takes that a good sign. Lexa is wearing nothing, but her bikini top and a pair of short shorts.

"Hey, you guys made it!" Octavia exclaims. "Just on time too," she whispers to Clarke, who chuckles nervously.

"We're gonna get some drinks," Anya says, pulling Lexa away, but her eyes stay glued of Clarke (who's, strangely, looking everywhere but at her.)

"Remember, you want her to be drinking, but not drunk, okay?" Octavia says quickly as the two leave and Clarke nods nervously.

They come back with margaritas, sitting on a log opposite Clarke's, Lexa directly in front of her.

"Are you feeling better, Clarke?" the brunette asks, and Clarke's blue eyes find hers for the first tonight.

"Much," she says, and her nerves settle down as she remembers how easy and how nice it is to talk with Lexa even if it's about nothing. The brunette gives her a slight smile and Clarke's heart swells.

"Oh, were you sick?" Anya asks, and Clarke can't help but roll her eyes. Luckily, only Octavia catches that.

"Just a bit under the weather," she says.

"Nothing a vodka tonic couldn't fix, though, right?" Octavia adds, shoving her discreetly so that she plays nice.

"Right..." Clarke says.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I came here to dance," Lincoln says, getting up, hand in hand with Octavia. They head out to the area where a bunch of people in Hawaiian skirts and swimsuits are dancing to some Calvin Harris song, probably. Bellamy and Jasper are already there.

"Do you want to dance?" Anya asks Lexa, who looks over at a very adorably jealous Clarke.

"Sure," she says, standing up. "Are you coming, Clarke?" The blonde hesitates before nodding and following the two.

* * *

After a while, Octavia manages to pull Anya into her dance circle without Lexa. Clarke, seeing this opportunity, nearly runs on her way to the brunette. They dance together for a couple of songs, laughing, and overall having a fantastic time.

"Oh, god," Clarke pants, exhausted. "Will you come with me to get a drink?" Lexa looks over at Anya who seems to be having an even better time with Octavia.

"Sure," she says and they walk side by side to the bar.

"Vodka tonic," she says to the bartender.

"Make that two," Lexa adds.

After they get their drinks, they walk aimlessly through the beach, loving the way the sand feels in between their toes.

"Are you having fun?" Clarke asks.

"Yeah. Hawaii's quite nice," Lexa replies. "And you?"

"Yeah," she says. "Much better than I had expected."

"Maybe we should get back," Lexa suggests, but she doesn't mean it. Not really. But she doesn't want to fuck it up with Anya over a one night stand. She doesn't want to drunk make out with Clarke, when she's supposed to be courting Anya.

"Do you want to?" Clarke asks, sadly. They look at each other for a moment and Lexa doesn't know what to say. No, of course she doesn't want to. She wants to get lost in the beach with her, but she can't do that.

"No, not really," she finds herself saying. Clarke steps closer.

"Come with me?" She asks, her hand slipping into Lexa's. The touch of each other's skin makes them feel soft and warm and excited. Lexa nods, and Clarke guides her down the beach. There are fewer and fewer people around them, their surroundings growing darker and darker.

"If I get bit by something," Lexa begins jokingly, making Clarke smile.

"You won't," she promises, "I'll protect you."

"Where are you taking me anyway?"

"Far away," Clarke says simply.

"From what?" Lexa lets the blonde lead her, enjoying her playfulness, enjoying the feeling of her hand, the view of her blonde hair dancing in the wind.

"The sea is beautiful, don't you think?" _Just like you._

"Yes. I quite love the sea," Lexa says. Clarke stops, and pulls Lexa forward so that they're side by side.

"It's better if you can appreciate it without the sound of people. Or the smell of booze. Or the noise of that shit they call music," Clarke says, smiling kindly.

"You brought me here so I could properly enjoy the sea?"

"Yes," Clarke says, before adding, "Let's sit down?" Lexa nods softly, not so sure about it but also not willing to deny herself this opportunity to be with Clarke. She realizes that she's been missing her. They sit down, against large rocks, looking out into the dangerous ocean as waves crash across the shore. "A bit scary, isn't it?" Clarke asks.

"Terrifying," Lexa's voice is soft, "but the best things in life are." She turns to look at Clarke. She looks beautiful and delicate under the moonlight. The blonde nods.

"You terrify me, Lexa," she says in almost a whisper, turning to face her

"Do I?" She asks, not knowing if she should take offense. They're dangerously close.

"Very much," Clarke replies, leaning in, but Lexa turns away, back at the sea. Clarke frowns, but Lexa doesn't notice. She doesn't want to notice all the little signs that add up to mean that Clarke might care. _She doesn't care_, she thinks to herself. _She just wants to fuck you, but she doesn't care._

"I doubt that," Lexa says and Clarke wonders if the brunette really has no idea of the impact she has on her.

"Don't." Clarke says. "Don't doubt it."

"Don't be terrified," Lexa suggests.

"All right," Clarke replies. Her fingers trace figures in the sand. Cursive letters and hearts. "What are you gonna do when you get back?"

"To New York?" Lexa asks.

"Mhm," Clarke says, though she doesn't mean New York. She means the bonfire. She means the hotel. She means reality.

"Well work, mostly," she says. "I don't usually take days off from work, so I'm actually surprised that they haven't called me yet to tell me the whole museum has caught on fire." She chuckles emptily.

"And Anya?" The question burns Clarke's throat, but she pushes it out, needing to know and yet afraid of the answer.

"I don't know," Lexa admits. "We'll see what happens."

"What do you want to happen?" Clarke urges.

"Well..." She's looking out into the ocean and Clarke is looking at Lexa and they're both witnessing unimaginable beauty. "I don't know. It's all too soon to tell, you know?"

"How long do you think it takes to fall in love with someone?" It's such a weighted question and it takes Lexa by surprise.

"I think it depends," she says, thinking deeply. Remembering Costia and how it had taken them nearly a year of dating to say heir I-love-you's; they wanted to be 100% positive to avoid rushing into anything. Lexa scoffs at the irony in it. She then thinks of Clarke and how they say those three little words all the time in a drunken haze as if they were weightless nothings – but are they? Or is it possible to love someone you've only just met a week ago?

"On what?" Clarke asks, curiously.

"On the person," Lexa explains. "And, on whether what they have is just attraction or if their souls are actually made for each other."

"You believe in soul mates?"

"Yes," Lexa replies confidently. "But it's not really a love at first sight kind of thing. It's more like -"

"Love at first one night stand?" Clarke interrupts. As soon as the words slip through her mouth and are left in the air, she blushes completely.

"What?"

"What?"

"What did you say?" Lexa can't help but smile.

"No, nothing... I just meant, uh, I don't know what I meant. Keep going," Clarke stutters, hiding her face, placing her forehead on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa tilts her head so as to rest it on the top of Clarke's head, making the blonde's heart flutter.

"Uh, I was just gonna say that it's not like love at first sight. It's just that you meet someone and there's this instant connection between your souls and the more you're with them, the stronger the connection grows until it just becomes love," she continues and there's so much fire in her eyes – Clarke feels drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She lifts her head from her shoulder and eyes her carefully. "And when it does become love, it's the absolute strongest, best kind of love that there could be."

"You're quite the romantic," Clarke says.

"Yes, I guess so. Do you not believe in that sort of thing?" She turns to face her.

"I don't know. I'm not really an expert on love so -"

"Right. I forgot who I was talking to," Lexa interrupts.

Clarke feels slightly offended, but lets it go. They stay quiet for a while, enjoying the sound of the waves and their heartbeats. The moon shines bright and proud above them as Clarke leans in to rest her head on Lexa's shoulder again and the brunette tilts her head. Lexa closes her eyes, so as to take in the beauty of the moment – the sound of waves, the soft sand, the smell of Clarke.

"Lexa?" Clarke whispers after a while, her hand tracing figures of nothing on Lexa's knee.

"Yes?" she whispers back.

"Are you drunk?" She asks this as she lifts up her head to meet Lexa's eyes, only a few inches away.

"Would you like me to be?" Her breath is warm and sweet and intoxicating. Lexa, who isn't drunk, considers pretending to be for Clarke - just to kiss her one last time. No one else would have to know. Just a goodbye kiss. A last night in Hawaii kiss. A drunk kiss. A whatever she wants kiss.

"Not really," Clarke says and Lexa becomes infinitely disappointed.

"Oh," she says. "Well, then I'm not." Clarke notices the change in tone and is overwhelmed with guilt.

"No, it's not that I don't want to…" Clarke starts, but doesn't know how to finish. They have never really spoken about it out loud before.

"It's okay, Clarke," Lexa says, even if it isn't okay that her feelings are one-sided.

"It's not though, Lexa," Clarke moves over to sit in front of her. "Look at me." Lexa looks up into a pair of mesmerizing blue eyes and she thinks she must have the sea in them.

"Clarke," she groans, looking away again. She's tired and Clarke is beautiful and this is torture. Clarke leans in, though, a hand caressing Lexa's face, pulling her chin up so that their eyes meet. They glisten with tears and Lexa becomes concerned, leaning and reaching her hand to hold Clarke's face too. A tear falls down the blonde's cheek and Lexa brushes it away with her thumb. "What's wrong, Clarke?" she asks softly. It hurts her heart to see her this way and in this painful moment of agony, she realizes how truly and undeniably in love she is. And it hurts even more.

"I'm fine," she says, chuckling sadly, using her free hand to wipe her eyes from any more tears. "It's just so… so fucking overwhelming."

"What is?" Lexa asks, still concerned, still leaning in and holding Clarke safely in her hand.

"This…" Clarke fills herself fill up with emotion and she forces herself to look away from Lexa and up at the stars instead, so she won't cry again. "…_love." _She emphasizes the word with so much undeniable passion as she swears it to the universe. Looking back down at Lexa, she finds that the brunette still has a confused look on her face.

"Love?" Lexa repeats the word carefully as if she doesn't know what it means.

"I love you, Lexa," Clarke finally says and the words taste so sweet in her mouth and feel so right in her heart. "I fucking love you." She chuckles a bit nervously, before biting down her bottom lip and awaiting a response.

"You're drunk," Lexa sighs, leaning back against the rock and letting go of Clarke, whose eyes grow panicked.

"No, no!" She argues, leaning forward, as if addicted to the closeness. "I'm not drunk. I love you." The words echo in Lexa's head and her heart feels like the size of the moon in her chest. Clarke leans in even closer, kneeling in between Lexa's opened legs, holding her face, gently tracing circles with her thumbs. Their noses are almost touching and both of their breaths quicken at this unbelievable closeness. Clarke stares lovingly into Lexa's unsure eyes as she whispers softly, "I'm legitimately and undeniably in love with you, Lexa." Her breath is warm and sweet, making Lexa ache for her lips. Sensing this, Clarke moves in even closer, placing her forehead on Lexa's, but not kissing yet.

Lexa tangles her fingers in Clarke's blonde hair and breathes her in, taking everything in – every detail of it all. She doesn't quite know what to do or think or say. Clarke loves her. Clarke Griffin is in love with her. And she's in love with her too. Fuck, she's so in love with her too.

"Clarke," Lexa whispers to her and the blonde feels herself become overwhelmed with warmth. "I…" There's a buzz. Lexa reaches for her phone and sees that she has one new message.

**Anya 12:36 AM  
**lexa hel p I thkjin somone put s omeinth in my darink

"I… need to go," Lexa finishes her sentence and Clarke's heart shatters, feeling as if shards are sticking out of her chest. She can't breathe.

"Oh," she says and her voice breaks, she leans back, letting go of Lexa and feeling herself fill up with an unbearable ache. Lexa notices this and quickly leans in, taking Clarke and softly kissing her. The kiss is nice and slow and gentle and incredibly loving, but it ends far too quickly. Before Clarke can fully register what's happening, Lexa's already up and on her way back to the bonfire. The blonde sighs, letting herself fall back onto the sand as she looks up at the sky. The feeling of Lexa's kiss still lingers on her lips and, though she's utterly confused, she smiles dumbly at the stars.


	12. Chapter 12

"Are you all right?" Lexa asks Anya once she finds her, sitting in the sand, resting on a log. The girl looks up at her and gives her a goofy smile. "You said someone put something in your drink?" She kneels down so that they're eye to eye and analyzes her state of consciousness.

"Yes," Anya says and her breath smells like liquor. "And you know what it was? Alcohol."

"What?"

"I'm fucking wasted," she giggles and Lexa groans. She's missing literal sex on the beach with Clarke for this.

"Let me take you to your room," Lexa suggests, helping her stand up.

"Sounds like a good idea," Anya flirts and Lexa ignores it.

* * *

As soon as they reach her room, Anya throws herself on the bed, stretching as wide as she can and giggling. Lexa sighs, getting her phone out to text Clarke.

**Lexa 12:54 AM  
**Sorry about leaving you so abruptly. I will make it up to you.

By the time she hits send and gazes back up from her phone Anya is undressing. Lexa's eyes open wide in surprise.

"What are you doing?" She asks innocently.

"Come here," Anya urges.

"Uh, no," Lexa chuckles nervously. "I should really get going." Anya pulls her in anyway and Lexa falls onto the bed, on top of her. "Anya," she groans as she begins to get up again, but the girl spins her round so that Lexa is on her back and Anya is straddling her.

"This is our last night together," Anya reminds her and suddenly Lexa feels guilty.

"I know, but..." She doesn't what words to use, but it isn't much of an issue because suddenly Anya's mouth is on hers. She pushes her off.

"Ugh," she groans. "What now, Lexa?"

"I can't do this," she says. "You're lovely, really, but –"

"Is it Clarke?" Anya growls and Lexa grows quiet. "I fucking knew it."

"Anya…" Lexa begins again, but is cut off.

"You know she's gonna break your fucking heart, right?" she spits the words out like they're venom. Lexa sighs and nods.

"Maybe," she says weakly. "But it'll be worth it." She shrugs and Anya sighs, moving off of Lexa and falling onto the bed beside her. "I'm sorry, Anya."

"No, you're not," Anya says flatly, closing her eyes. And Lexa isn't sorry. Not one bit.

"I'm sorry you got in the middle of this," Lexa says, but it doesn't make it any better.

"Get out, Lexa," Anya says. "If you're not gonna fuck me, just get out." Lexa obeys, standing up and leaving, shutting off the light and closing the door behind her.

Once out in the hallway, she checks her phone and smiles.

**Clarke 12:55 AM**  
It's okay. See you soon?

**Lexa 1:03 AM**  
Absolutely.

Clarke stares at her phone, biting her lip to hide her smile. She glows with happiness and Octavia, who's standing next to her can feel it.

"Are you blushing?" she teases. "Is Clarke Griffin blushing?"

"Shut up," Clarke laughs.

**Lexa 1:07 AM**  
Are you still at the bonfire?

**Clarke 1:08 AM**  
Yeah

**Lexa 1:10 AM**  
Feel like coming up to our room?

Clarke feels herself implode and she hands the phone to Octavia excitedly so that she can read the message.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Octavia asks just as excitedly. "Go!"

**Clarke 1:12 AM**  
Be right there

She tries to walk as calmly as possible as she makes it to the room, but every inch feels like a mile.

Lexa walks around the room, nervously, practicing what she's gonna say - it's incredibly futile, however, for once she hears the doorknob turning, her mind becomes blank and her entirety becomes nothing but love and love and love.

"Hey," Clarke says as she walks in. It's dark with only one lamp on, but it's nice this way. They step closer to each other, smiling at how beautiful the other is and how lucky they each other to love and be loved.

"Hey," Lexa repeats. "Sorry again for disappearing it's just that Anya -" She freezes and notices the overwhelming annoyance in Clarke.

"Anya," Clarke says and the word burns her tongue. She walks past Lexa and sits on the bed. Lexa sighs and goes to sit next to her.

"She texted me saying someone put something in her drink," she explains and Clarke's eyes soften. "It turns out she was just lying about that, though, and was just completely intoxicated." Clarke scoffs. "So I took her to her room -" _Jesus, Lexa, shut the fuck up_, the brunette thinks to herself.

"I see," Clarke says and she's so full of jealousy she thinks she might explode. But she doesn't want to be that person - that jealous and overbearing and passive aggressive person whom everybody ends up hating. "Did, um, anything happen?" There's a bit of sadness in her voice.

"Of course not," Lexa assures her. "I just walked her to her room, told her she and I were done, and came here."

"You told her you were done?" The spark is back in Clarke's eyes and Lexa smiles.

"Yes." She leans in closer, burying her face in Clarke's hair, breathing in the lovely scent. "Let's stop talking about her," she sighs.

"Hmm," Clarke smiles. "What would you like to talk about?"

"You," Lexa says softly, her nose gently grazing Clarke's neck, and moving up slowly. "You're so beautiful, Clarke," she whispers into her ear and the blonde can feel goosebumps across her skin. She begins nibbling on her ear and Clarke feels her chest ache in want.

"More than Anya?" She jokes and Lexa laughs.

"Yes, my love," she purrs. "More than anyone who has ever walked this earth." She kisses her neck, but quickly comes back to bite on her ear - harder now and with a deeper sense of hunger.

"Fuck, Lexa," she whimpers and she swears she can hear Lexa growl in between bites. Lexa moves back down to her neck, kissing and biting, while her hand grabs a hold of blonde locks, pulling her in almost desperately. They fall backwards onto the bed and soon Lexa is on top, straddling her, her mouth still on the blonde's neck. She then moves down to Clarke's collarbone, taking soft bites and leaving pink marks on her skin as if she's branding her. And Clarke thinks about how she doesn't need to do this because she is already entirely hers. "I'm yours," the words escape in a whimper and Lexa looks up with dark, hungry eyes.

She comes back up to meet her gaze, hovering mere inches above her. Clarke swallows hard as Lexa stares intently into her. The brunette leans down and gives Clarke a soft, long, loving kiss. She runs her tongue over Clarke's bottom lip and the blonde returns this with a playful bite, before giving Lexa entrance. Their breath starts growing louder and harsher, as they feel their insides catch on fire. Lexa pulls away with a gasp and looks into Clarke's blue eyes, amazed at how full of lust and want and love they are.

"I'm yours," Lexa says, in between tired pants, and Clarke smiles before pulling her back in. Lexa runs a hand down pull on Clarke's shirt. "Hmph," she groans and Clarke laughs, before taking her shirt off. "Better," Lexa smiles in between a kiss, as her hands wander back down to cup Clarke's breasts. Clarke sits up and Lexa immediately wraps her legs around her and takes the opportunity to undo her bra.

"This isn't quite fair," Clarke complains playfully, tugging at the strings on Lexa's bikini top. She throws it to the side and begins to kiss Lexa's neck, a hand running down to the brunette's hard nipples. Lexa lets her head fall back in pleasure, as her hand comes down to meet Clarke's shorts. She unbuttons them and slips in, feeling her burning wetness.

"You're so fucking wet," Lexa growls and Clarke whimpers at the feel of her hands grazing, teasing her center. "Lie back down." Clarke obeys, watching as the brunette carefully takes off her shorts and pushing them to the side, leaving her in her underwear, before coming down to kiss her navel. Clarke tangles her fingers in brunette hair, as Lexa trails kisses down to her thighs, which open up eagerly. Lexa teases her, kissing her softly, closer and closer, but never quite there. Finally, she places a kiss on Clarke's center, though there is still a piece of fabric in between them.

"Fuck, Lexa," Clarke groans. "I love you." Lexa looks up with dangerous eyes and smirks.

"I love you too," she says and her voice vibrates against Clarke's softness. With her teeth, she pulls down Clarke's underwear to her ankles, before tracing kissing back to her center. She kisses her slowly, delicately, her hands rubbing up and down Clarke's thighs. Her tongue rests on Clarke's entrance, teasing, before running up slowly and reaching the bundle of nerves. The blonde moans as Lexa's tongue licks slowly – and then a bit faster, a bit harder – in tight circles, right over her hood.

"Fuck me," Clarke begs, arching her back, and Lexa gladly obeys. She slips a finger into Clarke, pushing gently in and out, though her mouth stays on her clit, occasionally sucking at it in between licks. She introduces another finger and starts fucking her harder, faster. "F-fuuuck… Come here."

"What?" Lexa asks, confused, looking up, licking her lips.

"I'm so … mmm… close," Clarke grunts.

"I know," Lexa smirks.

"But come here," Clarke says again, so Lexa up to kiss her, though her fingers stay inside her, slowing the pace so that she doesn't come just yet.

"Hello," Lexa smiles. "Oh." Her eyes widen as Clarke's hand wanders down and into Lexa's bikini bottom. She's already soaking wet and ready.

"I want to fuck you too," Clarke smirks and Lexa moans as the blonde introduces her fingers into her, her thumb pressing and running hard circles against her clit.

"Fuck," Lexa growls into Clarke's neck, and she begins to fuck her harder again. They each find a nice pace, thrusting into each other, sweating, shivering, and moaning in ecstasy. They reach the edge and fall down from it together.

They lie down now, exhausted and satisfied and happy and in love, Clarke resting on Lexa's chest, listening to her slowing heartbeat as the brunette plays with her blonde hair. It's nice and quiet and perfect.

"Lexa?" Clarke says after a while, lifting her head up to look at her.

"Yes, Clarke?" Lexa smiles.

"Take me to Wengen." Lexa laughs, glad that Clarke remembered the name.

"Of course," she promises.

"And Alaska?"

"And Alaska," Lexa smiles. "Is this the only reason you're with me, Clarke? For free vacations?" Clarke laughs and leans over to kiss her nose.

"Oh, you caught me," she smiles and Lexa gives her a quick, soft kiss. "Do you remember when you asked me where home was for me?" Lexa nods. "I think I found it."

"In Hawaii?" Lexa asks, but Clarke shakes her head.

"In you," she says softly, leaning in to give her another light kiss, but Lexa grabs her and spins her around so that she's pinned to bed, held down by Lexa's soft, naked body.

"That was so cheesy," Lexa laughs before leaning down and giving her a passionate, hungry kiss – and the fire between their legs is ignited again.

* * *

**This is it, kids. The end. I might do some one-shots of their relationship back in New York (dates, sexy times, fluff, marriage proposal maybeeeee)... I'm open to prompts and suggestions! So message me if there's a specific situation you want these two to be in and I'll try to make it happen. Thanks for reading! I will be moving my attention to another one of my Clexa fics now - also message me which fic you want me to work on, so I know which one is you guys' favorite. **


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